Re Actions
by Scottea
Summary: After proving themselves Kirk and Spock must face themselves with McCoy's help.
1. Chapter 1

Doctor Leonard "Bones" McCoy slowly walked away from the patient he had worked on for over six hours, satisfied that the officer would live. As he went into his office he knew the officer would need extensive physiotherapy and psychological assistance for some time. He would almost certainly have to sign him off the ship, but remembered how many times before he had thought that regarding this officer. What McCoy needed to know now was what had caused the injuries and he knew the only two men who could tell him.

He found James Kirk where he suspected he would, on the bridge when he should have been in his quarters sleeping. The others on the bridge had briefly looked at him as he walked up to the command chair and said, "We need to talk, Captain. Here, in Sick Bay, or in your quarters, your choice."

"My quarters, Bones. Just give me,"

"**Now**, Captain."

As they walked through the corridors to his quarters the Captain of the Enterprise could tell his Chief Medical Officer, and his friend, was puzzling over a problem and he had a good idea what it was about.

"Spoken with Spock yet?"

"No, he left Sick Bay shortly after you did so now I have find both of you for answers to questions which makes me suspect a helluva lot more happened down there than what you two said and that whatever it was you do not want to talk about is what I have to know to complete my reports on a patient."

Only then, as they entered Kirk's quarters, did the Captain stop, turn and actually look at McCoy, his voice low and controlled, "Is he dead?"

"No. He may wish he was should he live and realize how his life is going to change but for now he is alive, in an induced coma, and on full support."

"Full support?"

"Things were done to him that should **never** be done to any sentient being, things forced into his systems that do not belong in **any** living body, and you and Spock were there yet you both came up with just minor injuries. Neither of you said what happened when you beamed up other than he had been abused and took off from Sickbay before I had a chance to examine either of you myself. M'Benga said you both had only those injuries associated with being taken hostage: bumps and bruises. You want to tell me now what happened?"

I, I still have to do my report on it, Bones. I need more time before I speak to Spock and I am not ready to speak to you about it. I need to get my thoughts together. The past two days were unlike any I have ever lived through. I did things I never thought I would do. I need you to know **I will tell you everything**, everything that happened when I have it sorted out in my mind. We did get the samples and supplies we needed and delivered what they requested. We also got enough dilithium for Scotty to be more than happy and for us to have a fully energized starship."

"Any idea where Spock will be?"

"I'm sure he is also trying to come to terms with what happened down there."

"Okay, I will give you two tonight to get it sorted out but I need to know more for the report I will have to do to have my patient admitted to that medical facilities that specializes in extreme trauma."

Now Kirk turned and looked at the steady blue eyes that had been watching him, studying him. It was clear that McCoy knew something serious had happened, that he and Spock were involved in whatever that was, and he would let them work out what to tell him. What had happened to the officer was. No, Kirk tried not to think too much about it. The more he thought about it the more he was certain it would see the officer committed to a secure medical facility as McCoy was obviously sure he was too mentally and physically damaged for the level of care and treatment he would get on the Enterprise. Too damaged.

"Bones, you've got,"

"What I have, Jim, is a patient who has been so horrifically physically abused and who was injected with substances that," momentarily Kirk saw the blue eyes close and heard McCoy let out a sigh of resignation then the eyes reopened and seemed to look deep into him and find that part he was trying to hide, "that I cannot find any record of** ever** being injected into a human before. Substances that, in other species, caused reactions ranging from mild headaches, through recurring traumatic hallucinations, to massive damage to the brain and entire nervous system, and almost always ending in death." Again the blue eyes closed and Kirk saw McCoy shake his head, "I do not like to think what I feel I could do to **whatever twisted being** did that to him." McCoy opened his eyes and looked at Kirk,"I hate myself for thinking it, let alone admitting it, but I** am thankful** that whatever kind of beast did that **did it to him and not to you or Spock**. I, I don't think I could cope with seeing either of you two like he is now and as he will be."

"You** can't** tell Spock that." Kirk said it more urgently than he meant to.

McCoy started, "Oh, I wouldn't as I would know he would find some way of blaming himself," then McCoy stopped and looked at him, "What is it, Jim?"

"Just, just give me, just give** us** time to get our thoughts together. Just give us tonight to put it all together."

"Okay. I imagine that if you were forced to watch that being done to him and unable to stop it that it would have been beyond distressing, even to a Vulcan. I will see both of you first thing tomorrow morning. Sleep well, Jim."

Kirk lay down on his bed and tried to put the events of the last forty-nine hours in order. Tonalus Three had only recently joined the Federation and the Enterprise had been sent there to collect some samples and to deliver some supplies. He and Spock were to beam down and the High Council of Tonalus Three had asked for a Security Officer as well, on the grounds he remain silent at all times. From what Kirk had read of the first few encounters with Tonalus Three that seemed in order. There was mention from the other planets in the Tonalus group that Tonalus Three had extremely high expectations of senior officers who piloted starships; that they were expected to be different from others, that they dominated their ships. There was also mention that the senior officers were expected to show their dominance over subordinates in the most testing of ways. No indication was given as to how the domination was proven, or what was meant by testing ways, but he and Spock had found out.

Kirk was at first annoyed yet oddly relieved when his intercom buzzed and he was surprised it was McCoy so soon, "Jim, you better come to Sick Bay, **now**."

McCoy was waiting just outside the door to Sick Bay and gripped his arm, "Maybe you can do something. He was like that when I returned. He won't answer my questions. Hasn't moved or spoken, just stands there looking at Officer Hanley. Told you he would find a way to blame himself for whatever happened."

_Whatever happened_. Kirk took a deep breath and hoped McCoy would think it only the thought of confronting the silent Vulcan and not reflecting on what had happened. When he entered Kirk saw his First Officer standing by the life support bed just looking down at Officer Carl Hanley. To others he would seem to be that full Vulcan: just totally dispassionately analyzing a patient but Kirk saw beneath the façade and saw again the Spock he had seen so many times but most recently on Tanolus Three when they were made to prove they were different. This was not the Spock so many saw as a cold, analytical Vulcan but the Spock he knew, the Spock who had picked up the tortured body and carried it as one carries a frightened child to the transporting platform, the Spock so many did not see. He also knew McCoy was right, Spock was blaming himself for what had happened. He knew it as he was also blaming himself for what had happened.

"Doctor, Carl Hanley is hiding. I only briefly touched his mind as there was far too much all-consuming pain for me to attempt a meld but he is there, Doctor, sane and hiding in a safe place. He is rational but he is very afraid, almost terrified. I have not accessed his records so I am unsure if he had been exposed to much trauma in his life."

"Three of the outposts he grew up on were over-run, the third time he was not quite twelve and watched his parents burn alive while he protected his two brothers and sister. He then had to raise and protect them for two years till rescued. His service record shows at least fifteen different events which would have been most traumatic when he had taken an active role in protecting others while he was badly injured. Does this have,"

"In any of those times was he restrained in any way?"

"I recall reading that only four times was it reported that he was physically restrained,"

"Held back by another person or a physical object?"

"I thought you meant restrained as in being held back by a person or a physical object. On one occasion he was restrained in chains. On the other eleven occasions senior officers tried to restrain him verbally. What does that have to do with this?"

Slowly Spock turned and looked at Kirk and deep in the dark eyes Kirk saw pain, anguish, and guilt. "What were the outcomes, Doctor?"

"All of those he had gone in to rescue were saved. However ninety-two per cent of the time he returned he needed medical attention ranging from cuts and burns to major repairs to most of his body. Oddly not once was the term 'against direct orders' used."

"Having had an opportunity to watch him, Doctor, I highly doubt if he would have, under certain circumstances, obeyed even a direct order. If he has recovered from," the Vulcan looked at the Doctor and saw in the Doctor's expression what he feared.

"That's just it, Spock. **Has. Past tense**. Whatever happened down there this time has taken too great a toll. What was done to him down there should **never** have been allowed to happen for any reason. Whatever sort of cold-blooded, inhuman, sadistic being actually did that to him should be," McCoy stopped as he studied the Vulcan then put a hand on the thin shoulder of the Vulcan, "Oh my gods, Spock. You,"

"The meeting started cordially enough, we were shown whatever we asked to see and answered their many questions. It seemed they were most insistent we understand how important they see the obedience of junior officers to superior officers. To them if one is a senior officer they can do as they like to a junior officer when that junior officer is on duty. Even at the formal function they questioned us about how we treated junior officers under different situations. Our overnight accommodation was palatial although they only have a chair outside the door for Carl Hanley. It was made plain he was to sleep there. In the morning we were brought a substantial breakfast and they took Carl Hanley with them saying he would rejoin us later."

Captain James Kirk turned away from his two senior officers as he remembered only too clearly what had taken place and was not sure he was ready to deal with remembering the details the way they would have to. He took three deep breaths hoping they would help and then he felt that familiar long fingered hand gently grip his shoulder and he nodded, and turned to face his Vulcan First Officer and friend, "It's okay Spock,** Bones** does not need to know the details of what,"

Dark eyes looked at him and in them James Kirk saw the understanding, "Is it that he does not need the details or that **you are not ready** to address them, Jim? You must realize that what happened was bound to happen. From looking at their past we knew that there was a high probability that something like it would happen. Have you not accepted that reality yet?"

* * *

_**A/N Just one retyped while waiting for more medical tests - one of the joys (?) of being a test patient is the ^*^*^*^*^ waiting. Will get this all up tonight as clearly not going to get any sleep. Reviews would be interesting to read **_


	2. Chapter 2

"How **can** I, Spock? What I, what we did was so far out of character for us, so much against our nature I am having difficulty accepting it. I do not know how you did it, if you have really done it, but I have not yet accepted that I actually did what** I did to him**."

"Jim, I am only able to acknowledge and accept what** I did** as I know** he accepted it**. Had he not given me such positive assurance that he accepted what had to happen I would be in greater turmoil about the situation."

"What are you two talking about?"

"I will continue, Doctor, **if Jim is ready**."

For a moment Kirk half-turned away and fought to get control over his fear of accepting what he had done, of acknowledging his actions. He took a deep breath and turned, "Go, go on, Spock. It may help Bones help him. Maybe if I hear you talk it through I will be able to accept it all better." Kirk looked at his friend and tried to smile a faint smile, "You seem to always be able to help me see the reality and to accept my actions as logical."

"We had a breakfast and were escorted to what was called their proving arena. In the material they had left with us we had seen representations of what took place in it and we suspected we would have to watch one of their senior officers prove their superiority over a subordinate officer. Neither of us was prepared when we were taken to the centre of the arena and told we had to prove our seniority. Jim was led forward and they threatened to kill me unless Jim proved his superiority over a junior officer. They then brought Carl Hanley into the arena, naked, unharmed, and obviously fully aware of the situation. The Head of the Council manually thoroughly examined him, saying it was to ensure he did not have any hidden protection, he then told Jim to prove his superiority, to show to all of them his domination over his underlings, by claiming him orally and anally."

Kirk closed his eyes and tried not to remember what had happened, thankful that Spock did not elaborate on it. He also could not look at McCoy as he was sure there would be shock and anger and maybe even loathing in the blue eyes. He was thankful that Spock was telling what happened, thankful there was no emotion at all in his telling.

"When that had been done they had Jim insert a tube into his anus and inject some warm gelatinous mixture into him and plug it using a wad of some material and a type of tight loincloth. The watching assembly applauded when he finished. They then threatened to kill Jim unless I proved my superiority over a junior officer and they brought out a small stone fire container with two metal rods in it. They told me I was to mark him as my subordinate and show him I controlled him. The Head of the Council came over and placed my hand on the handle of the first rod, saying it was for between his shoulders on his back, and the other was for the center of his chest. I looked at Jim then at Hanley. Hanley flicked his eyes in Jim's direction then back at me and gave a slight nod. I, I felt my hand on the handle, Hanley turned, his back was to me, I raised the rod, akin to your Earth's old fashioned branding irons used to mark property, to where the Head of the Council had said,"

For a few moments there was quiet as Spock stood with his head bowed and his eyes closed then McCoy gently reached out and briefly and lightly squeezed his Vulcan friend's upper right arm, "It is okay, Spock. I get what happened. **I saw evidence** of what happened."

"Doctor, you may have seen the burns but they do not tell you what happened and I do not know if Jim was aware of what really happened. I raised the iron rod to where the Head of the Council had said and, and** I hesitated**. For six point five seconds I was in turmoil and then I **felt the pressure and smelt the burning flesh**. I, I" Spock looked up and into his Captain's eyes and in a barely audible voice said, "I had not moved." before he bowed his head.

"Oh, Spock." Kirk quickly went to his friend and briefly touched the bowed head having seen so much torment in the dark eyes. He moved his hands to his friend's shoulders and gave them a long, understanding squeeze, "I, I didn't know." He had not really realized what had happened as he had still been in shock over what he had done.

The head raised and Kirk looked into dark eyes that reflected an inner hell, "**I would have** done it, Jim. I would have done it to save you but for a moment I hesitated as I could not believe what had just transpired, what you had done and what I was expected to do. He must have known **they would have seen any hesitation as weakness**. When he turned he gave me a slight nod and faint smile then stood straight and still while I, I branded his chest. He closed his eyes for but an instant and there was neither hatred nor fear in them when he looked at me, only acceptance. I thought that was all then, then they said I had to help purge his systems of any thoughts of being more than a subordinate and I had to make him swallow about two liters of a warm foul smelling liquid. He did not resist nor hesitate but got on his knees, kept his back straight upright so he was at the right height for me to pour the liquid into his mouth. He tried to swallow so that I did not have to touch him to force him to swallow. When he finished swallowing it all those watching applauded my proof of superiority over a subordinate just as they for Jim. I was aware he had collapsed at my feet but I knew I could not assist him. They told me to leave him, that he was no longer of any consequence or worth. They said we had more than proved ourselves and could go: that we would be welcome in their space anytime. As they were talking he, Hanley, went into convulsions and was vomiting the liquid and blood. To, to maintain the charade of being in control **I did not attempt to help him**."

Spock turned and looked down at the officer and then up at the medical bank of registers. "They said we could go and they would, **would dispose of him** for us." Kirk looked at McCoy and realized he also had heard how Spock almost spat out the last six words. "Dispose of him. I could not, I would not leave him. As I knew they would think less of Jim if he made a move to help him, I picked him up and carried him. His pain battered at my shields and almost overwhelmed me with its intensity."

Kirk was surprised when Spock looked at him, "Captain, I am deeply disappointed in my behavior since our return to the ship. I thought not of him or you, Jim. I thought only of my need for time to come to terms with what had taken place down there, with what I had done. I had to accept what I had done of my own volition for I was not under any outside influence, I could have refused. I made no enquiry as to his condition or his prognosis nor did I seek out you to ascertain your condition. As I reviewed what I had done I realized **I had to be here**. If he were to have a conscious moment he would think I had deserted him." For a moment Spock glanced at the still form on the bed then back Kirk and Kirk saw beneath that Vulcan facade and saw the hurt, the blame, and the self-loathing in the dark eyes, "**I apologize if I caused you any ill-ease**, Jim, by not ascertaining your condition."

"Spock, I didn't,"

"Jim, after what you had to do to him I believed you, also, would need time to accept it as that which had to be done. They only threatened my life when you were slow to step forward. Had you not done what you did they would have killed Hanley and myself but let you live knowing that you would stand criminal charges under Starfleet and Federation regulations. Had I not done what I did they would have killed you and Hanley and send me back to face charges. I had that moment of hesitation when I attempted to find a way not to do what I eventually did,"

"I had that too, Spock." Kirk saw a flicker of surprise in the eyes looking into him, "If you remember I walked over to him and stood there looking at him. I remembered reading how they were known for slowly killing their victims, what they did to alien prisoners. I knew what I was told to do and I knew if I did not do it what they would make me watch them do to you and yet I just stood there. When I looked at him he must have clearly seen I was hesitating and, as you said, they would have seen it as a weakness. He looked at me then he calmly reached out, pulled my slacks down, knelt down in a submissive manner and when I still hesitated he, he took control," Kirk closed his eyes and bowed his head then felt a long-fingered hand briefly touch the side of his face and felt some of his self-loathing vanish. "My god, Spock, **he took control** in a way they could not understand any more than I do."

"It may be difficult for you to believe, Doctor, but I believe, as I am sure Jim does, that from that moment, from the moment he moved to touch Jim, Carl Hanley was in charge of this mission. He was totally unafraid, totally prepared for whatever was going to happen. He was protecting us, he was the dominant male yet to them he was seen as the subservient. He, he enabled us do what we were expected to do, had to do, with such total trust I still find difficult to comprehend. There is no doubt that he would have known that we were to torture him in some way and yet he did not resist. He not only let us but assisted us to so publicly humiliate, deliberately debase, and systematically torture him and, while I understand his reasoning and know there was no alternative, I have found it difficult to accept the calmness about his actions. How he acted was just as a dominated subordinate would, in their eyes, be expected to act. I have found it even more difficult to accept my participation in the event. When he looked at me I could see he was in unimaginable agony from what had been done to him and yet he accepted what was going to be done to him at my hand.** He enabled me** to do it by making the first move."

Kirk had placed a hand on Spock's shoulder as he knew his friend was internalizing too many emotions, "I could not make myself do what they expected of me, Spock. He saw it when he looked at me. You are right, they would have seen hesitation as a weakness and he knew that. He took total command in such a subtle way they did not notice it. I doubt if they would have understood it. They thought our actions showed we were in control and never realized that his willingness to subordinate himself for us was his doing, that he was in control. I doubt if they had ever had seen the one being used be the one in charge. The Council said that we had more than proved our dominance, that it was obvious from his silent obedience and acceptance of what we did to him that we truly are worthy of being commanding officers on a starship, and that our officers clearly knew who the superior and therefore dominant officers are."

Slowly, almost menacingly, Spock turned, raised his head and looked at McCoy, "When I came to see him I went to check his file but noticed you have it blocked. **What** is the** reason** for such an action?"


	3. Chapter 3

Without answering McCoy moved to the bed, adjusted the sheet covering Hanley, altered the setting on the medication drip, and then looked first at Kirk and then at Spock, "I did it for that very reason. Despite you spouting all that Vulcan non-emotionalism claptrap I know you, Spock. I know you and knew you would want to see it. I have not finished it yet. I have not yet identified all the elements and their proportions in the mixtures forced into him and I had to find out what had happened so I can file a report for his admission to Starfleet's special medical base. I told Jim,"

"**You cannot be seriously considering** sending him off the Enterprise, Doctor." It was unusual for Spock to cut McCoy off so firmly and from the way he looked at him Kirk could see the determination in the Vulcan and the deep certainty. "He is there. He is just still **too afraid to come out**, still **in too much pain**, still not sure he is safe, but he is quite sane and he is there. I will remain here with him till he knows he is safe so I can help him come back."

"Spock, that could take,"

"Jim," Spock turned and looked at him and Kirk was torn by what he saw deep in the steady eyes that looked at him, "**you cannot, must not, let him be taken off the ship,** committed to such a place."

In his friend's eyes Kirk saw a plea for understanding as well as support and yet he knew McCoy knew the medical status, "Spock, Bones has,"

"Undeniably excellent medical knowledge, I freely admit that. But Jim, Carl Hanley is there. Possibly because of his childhood or past experiences he found a way to hide himself, to protect his core being if you like, from events so he could deal with them as they needed to be dealt with. **He is there** and, Doctor," Spock turned and looked at McCoy, "I know** he is sane**. I sensed his being; I sensed his sane and rational mind and also his fear. He clearly and promptly answered questions I put to him. There is just some fear keeping him as he is. I cannot and will not leave him like that and that is how he will remain if he leaves the ship."

"Spock, you cannot be sure of that. There were a lot of compounds in that mixture he swallowed that will have psychologically damaged him."

"Doctor, I will remain here till he knows he is safe and can come out, can come back to us. I felt his mind and it was sound but afraid. He knows who he is, that he had saved us, what happened to him, that he is back aboard the Enterprise and that he has friends here, but he is afraid of a thing he cannot name nor describe. He can only work through that fear where he feels safe and protected and he feels safe and protected here."

"And you got all that from just a touch?"

"He knew my voice, knew who I am, and was calm yet afraid. He asked about the Captain. I did not linger as his pain was too much for me to bear or to block for long. I asked if he knew who he was, where he was and what had happened and he answered quite comprehensively and without hesitation but said that** it** was still there. Just what it is he could not say nor could he describe it. Once he comes back he will need your expertise. You are an exceptionally skilled physician." With a slight tilt to his head and looking directly at the doctor Spock added, "I would entrust him to you alone, even before the best Vulcan healer. I have personally seen and experienced what you alone can do for one in such a physical and emotional state. You do not, however, have the skills to help him with the fear that is in him as it is rooted in something extremely horrific and traumatic that happened to him sometime early in his life that this event triggered. I can and will help him come back through that fear."

McCoy looked at Kirk and saw he was equally as surprised then back at Spock, "Why, thank you, Spock, but you must know after what was done to him he will,"

"**I saw what was don**e to him, Doctor. **I was a participant** in what was done to him. I am aware your medications combined with what was given to him there may mean he will not only sleep for prolonged periods but will also have to endure great pain. **The one thing he will not be is alone.** I will be here when absolutely not required on the bridge."

"And when Spock needs a break I will come here. There is nothing urgent going on at the moment, we are still awaiting our next orders. Till there is need for me to be on the Bridge I will be helping Spock."

While Kirk had been talking the Vulcan had watched the Doctor and realized that he was clearly not telling them everything.

"What is it you do not wish to tell us, Doctor?" dark eyes locked with blue ones and Spock saw the truth and nodded, "You do not want to tell us what we orally and anally injected into him, do you? You know what it was and what it is doing and will do to him and,"

"And you are right, Spock, I do not want to tell you. There, happy you are right?" momentarily McCoy looked at Kirk then back at the Vulcan, "Sorry. It is just I know most of what went into him, I know what most of it does to non-human bodies, I know most of it is all totally incompatible with basic human chemical composition, and I know what it will most likely be doing to him."

"Doctor, most likely means you are not certain."

"You are correct, Spock, I am uncertain as to what will happen when the substances given orally contact with the substances injected into his rectum and have the various human chemicals added. Plus I am not sure of the strength of the substances or the ratios involved."

"Then the worst," both of them seemed to have forgotten all about his presence and Kirk just watched his two friends discussed what he also wanted, needed, to know.

"By my calculations the chemical reaction, all those elements combining, should be happening shortly. I am not exactly sure what I should expect but I do know it will be some-thing I have not encountered before. I have only read about such reactions in non-sentient species and under experimental situations with fewer elements involved and the quantities known. I will contact you two later. There is no need for you to be,"

"There you are wrong, Bones. I, we need to be here." Kirk looked at his Vulcan friend and wondered if he was allowing his Human side to feel the same strange mix of guilt, concern, compassion, admiration and gratitude that he was feeling. "I do not know about Spock but I need to be here not as his commanding officer, not even as the person responsible for what was done to him, but as a, as a,"

"A fellow being concerned about his well-being." Spock briefly looked at McCoy, "While he will welcome your presence, Doctor, and be in great need of your expertise, it is also important that he know Jim and I are here with him and for him."

Carefully Spock reached out and briefly touched the side of Officer Hanley's face then looked back at Kirk, "Despite his pain and tremendous mental turmoil he will know we are here with him, that we, that **we did not desert him**, and that we wish to help him. He will know we are not here out of guilt, nor out of a sense of debt, nor even a sense of duty but because we want to assist in his recovery. He will come to know that we will protect him from whatever it is he fears, from what is keeping him where he is. When he accepts that he is not alone in facing whatever it is, that we are not going to let it hurt him, he will trust us to help him come back.."

When Spock looked back down at Hanley Kirk looked at McCoy who met his look and slowly shook his head and Kirk saw the truth in his eyes. It was clear that McCoy would do his best to keep Hanley with them but that this might be too much for him to do anything about. In his Captain mode Kirk knew McCoy was right but the James Kirk part of him wanted Spock to be right. McCoy only saw the aftereffects. Deep within him Kirk was very grateful that McCoy had not seen what they had had to do, was relieved that his friend had not witnessed them being so, so barbaric.

"Now, I suppose, you are going to tell me that the two of you are going to take turns being in here with him?"

"I believe we made that clear earlier, Doctor."

"Well, if you are then you can take turns wiping his face, shoulders, arms, and upper chest with a cool damp cloth in the way I show you. Helps with the blood and lymph circulation as well as keeping him cool and aware he is not alone."

"If I may, Doctor, I would like to add some Vulcan herbal oils to the water. They are known to assist with circulation and cooling the body."


	4. Chapter 4

"That will be fine, Spock. I will let the staff know that you will be doing that."

"If you gentlemen will excuse me I will go prepare them now. I should be no longer than twenty-seven minutes. You will,"

"I will let you know if there are any changes, Spock," Kirk looked at him and saw how his friend was looking at Hanley, "**Any changes**." The Vulcan looked at him a nodded his head once yet in that look Kirk had seen much more than his friend had ever shown before, in the look Kirk had seen how shaken his friend had been by the events, how concerned he was about Hanley, and how deeply ashamed of himself he was for being what he considered weak.

Once they were alone McCoy looked at Kirk, "If he somehow pulls through it will be just short of a miracle, Jim. When those mixture combine there is no telling how they will react but I can tell you they will play havoc with all his systems. On their own they are only mildly corrosive to the human body but combined there is no telling. I am keeping him in an induced coma as the pain would be too much to endure otherwise.." Involuntarily Kirk looked at the monitors and noted the pain indicator was all the way up. A hand rested briefly on his shoulder, "It would go higher if the register went higher."

"You've worked miracles before, Bones."

"If he really is there, if Spock is right and he is holding onto reality then we just might get him back. He will physically recover, it will take time but he will recover, and if he is sane," Kirk saw McCoy look from his patient to him, saw the determined look about the blue eyes, "if he is sane then there is no way I am letting

"What, what I gave him, did to him," when Kirk looked at McCoy the doctor saw a depth of self-loathing he had never seen before in James Kirk.

"You and Spock had to do what you did to survive, Jim. As Spock said, Hanley took command of the situation. Hanley knew that neither of you would see the other die, that both of you need each other, and that he had to act before your captors did." Gently but firmly the doctor put his hands of Kirk's shoulders and turned him so they faced each other, "We both know neither of you could have survived what he did, we know that he did what he had to do, and we know that that blasted Vulcan will blame himself for the whole thing if we don't get him to see it was out of both your and his hands."

"Your, your report,"

"Will not mention who did that to him. It will mention that you two were there but unable to assist him, that it was one of their tests and that he willingly took part in it. For a few medical supplies and engineering bits their records will now show only that three crewmembers were there and that one took part so the other two could watch." McCoy looked at Hanley, "Your report should state the same as you and Spock did watch and he took part."

"My gods, Bones, when I think what could have happened if he had not acted as he did." Slowly, almost fearfully, Kirk reached out and touched the side of Hanley,s face and felt the warmth of his skin before looking at McCoy, "He's,"

"That's why he needs to be constantly kept cool. A relentless inflammation is rampaging throughout his body. His main internal organs are strained, at their limit." Carefully as though afraid of waking the sedated officer, McCoy pulled the blanket down to Hanley's waist and started wiping the sweat glistening torso in long stokes with a cool damp cloth. "All we can do is keep him as cool and as damp as possible for as long as possible. There just is no way,"

Spock strode in, placed the items he had carried in down on the table and, without a word to either Kirk or McCoy turned off the monitors and picked up Hanley and started out of the room, "There is a hydroshower in the gym. I will be there with him."

Only for a moment did McCoy start to protest then ran to the intercom, "Uhura, notify whoever is in the gym to turn the water setting to ten degrees centigrade and to clear the area. Spock is taking Hanley there."

Both Kirk and McCoy ran to catch up with Spock but he was already in the shower by the time they arrived and never before had Kirk seen his Vulcan friend look at anybody the way he was looking at the limp form in his arms. As he watched his friend standing in the cold shower looking down at Hanley Kirk wondered if his friend was making as many pleas to his gods as he was.

After just over a standard hour Spock stepped out and placed Hanley on the stretcher McCoy had ordered and stood back, "His breathing has eased and his pain has lessened but it is still more than a human can endure for long and he will need more of your sedation, Doctor."

There was the whirr of McCoy's medical scanner then the blue eyes looked into the dark eyes, "Thank you, Spock. I do not know why I did not think of that before. He will still need."

"I shall go to my quarters to change my attire then report to Sickbay where I will start wiping the herbal oils on him. I am pleased you both allowed me to do that for him."

Back in Sickbay McCoy took a moment to recheck his first readings then looked at Kirk, "Damned pointed eared," then he closed his eyes and shook his head, before looking up at Kirk, "I just never thought of the shower."

When Spock had changed into dry clothes he returned to Sickbay and walked up to McCoy, "Doctor, I must apologize for my actions earlier. I had not thought of the shower until you mentioned the need to somehow cool his entire body at one time. On Vulcan water is not as easily come by as on other planets and is reserved for sustaining life with a small allowance paid for by those, like my mother, who have government approved flower, vegetable, and herb gardens. I regret that it has taken me this long to consider it."

"As you can see, Spock, it helped lower some of the extreme readings. He still has a very long way to go but you have helped him on his way to come back. He has a long w ay but he is on the way."

Slowly the Vulcan approached the bed with the basin he had carried in, "If I may, Doctor, I would like to start applying the oils."

With a nod McCoy moved and let Spock have full access to the bed then looked over the patient at Kirk who was watching his Vulcan friend so gently wiping the exposed body in long strokes from shoulder to the top of the towel over his pelvic region. As he watched he realized that there was a rhythm to the stroking and in the quiet he heard a faint chanting in that beloved baritone voice. A Vulcan chant alternating with an old Earth one.

Quietly both McCoy and Kirk walked out of the room and McCoy poured Kirk a small glass from a bottle he had in his desk drawer. "I think we both need this."

"You see and hear it too?"

"Jim, you have to know that what he did, what he had to do, has shaken Spock to his core. Just the thought of what you two had to do goes so against your natures it would have shaken you but to actually have to do it and for Hanley to actually have initiated the action would have worsened, intensified, that for Spock. As usual our Vulcan is blaming himself for something he had absolutely no control over. I can see it in you too, Jim." McCoy poured them both another drink, "You have to know,"

"What I know, Bones, is that in there is a man you have in an induced coma who took charge of a situation I should have been in charge of, a man who saved not just me but one of my two best friends as well. That is what I know, Bones." Kirk took the second glass McCoy held out and looked at it for a moment before looking at his friend, "I also know Spock isn't the only one blaming himself. I keep thinking there had to have been something I could have, should have done. I should have been able to have found a better solution."

"Now you listen to me, James Tiberus Kirk, there was not a single thing you could have done to change what happened. Having patched up that man more times than I like to think about I know that there was no other action Hanley could have made as it is a part of his very being to protect others irrespective of rank or the risk to himself. I can fully understand what Spock meant about him being in charge. He would have sensed that you two would have found what needed to be done utterly repulsive so he did what he had to do to help you two do what you had to do." McCoy looked at Kirk then looked away before looking back at Kirk, "Apart from the command crew of this ship he is the only person to ever have seen me totally inebriated after I had almost lost both of you." Kirk nodded as he had seen McCoy drunk after too many close calls.

For a few moments McCoy was quiet then fingered his empty class before he looked back at Kirk. "It was the time the six of you had been exposed to do that caustic gas and I almost lost you all. We were at a Starbase and there was some accident and they would not let me in to help. They threatened to have me arrested unless I left and settled down and I went out for a drink, then a second drink, a third, and somewhere around my sixth drink a young officer came over to me and said he was going to report me as drunk while still on duty. Hanley walked over with a bottle of a dark liquid and looked at the officer, "You think he is drunk? Here," he poured a glass of that liquid had handed it to the officer, "Drink this and tell me what it is." The officer took a taste and looked from me to him, "It tastes like strong coffee." Hanley pointed at me while still looking at the youngster, "He cannot get drunk on that, can he?" the officer shook his head, "So if you report him as drunk I will have you charged with defamation and this will be my proof." When the officer had started to elave Hanley had picked up a knife and cut his own leg, looked at the officer and said, "Doctor McCoy was off the ship taking care of an injured officer, understood?" for a moment the officer looked at him then nodded. After he had gone Hanley took my arm and walked me back to the ship where he had me sleep saying he would let me know if there was any change. I slept for thirty-one hours straight and when I woke up he was there, watching me. Said I was just fine and that you two were in recovery and could have visitors. He had done a fair job on treating his own cut. I, I never thanked him for that. He had arranged for me to have forty-eight hours of medical study time." McCoy shook his head and smiled at his friend and Captain, "When I asked him about it he pointed out I was studying recovery from an alcoholic haze but he had told them simply it was something I needed to learn more about to be able to help crew members who might suffer from the same medical condition at any tine and get injured as he had. If that officer had reported me,"

Kirk nodded, it would have ended his career and ruined his sterling reputation. It would have been charges of dereliction of duties and drunkenness.


	5. Chapter 5

They walked back to the intensive care room. Spock sat wiping Hanley's face, neck, and upper torso with a cloth and was now just quietly talking to him and was clearly unaware they were there. "Once Doctor McCoy says you may eat semi-solids again I will get you some apricot and lime shortcake, it was something my mother fixed for me when I had a severe stomach disorder that the Vulcan healers had trouble rectifying. It was, as I recall, most flavorful and most beneficial in the treatment. There is also a Vulcan herbal tea I will fix for you that should ease the abdominal spasms you are experiencing. You may find the taste bitter and if that is the case I have some terrain honey I can put in it, a herbal honey from the manuka bushes found on Earth. "

McCoy slowly walked over and looked at the monitors, "You trying to take over my job, Spock? Whatever you have been doing has lowered his pain levels and his heart rate and respiration are almost within the acceptable ranges. You should have a break. It could be hours or even days before he,"

"If it is all the same with you, Doctor, I would like to sit with him until I am due on the Bridge. I should like to apply further oil when I come again as it should be applied every nine hours for three standard days."

For a moment Kirk was aware of how Spock looked up from Hanley at McCoy then at him, a rare satisfied look, "While I was wiping his face I lightly touched his mind again and I discovered that the** it **he was afraid of is not so much a thing as a feeling. It is the fear of being responsible for harm being done to another being, the fear of failing to protect. Once I had assured him it was gone he relaxed."

"Shouldn't you also clear that with me?" Kirk walked in and looked at his friend. "We have to work out who should be with him as I think we both agree that one of us should be here when he awakens."

"I am fully aware that while I had five point four one hours of sleep since returning to the ship you have not slept, Captain. I checked my station and went to my quarters knowing that I needed time to review most of what happened and to be rested for what was to come with confronting Doctor McCoy and helping you accept what happened on the planet and what is to come with helping Hanley. I am, therefore, better rested than you are at the moment and I will, while you sleep, wait here until I am due on the Bridge in another six point seven one hours." Spock met and held his gaze, "Jim, I would suggest that you spend that time resting and preparing to assist Hanley as I am certain he will require the assistance of both of us to over-come both the physical and the mental turmoil he is certain to have as a result of all that has transpired."

McCoy stood just looking at his two closest friends and knew what they were sharing in the gaze was, like what happened on the planet, something he was not a part of and was, for once, pleased he had not been. To think of either of them as Hanley was and for the reason he was like that was more than McCoy wanted to think about. This was something they would have to work out between them. He would be there if they needed him but this was between them.

"As usual, Spock, you have the best plan of action for now. I will go to my quarters and sleep for at least six hours then come here and relieve you. You are correct in saying he will need both of us and I think we both need him for all of us to come to terms with what took place."

"I will notify you immediately should there be a drastic change in his condition."

"Make that **any change** in his condition."

Again the two looked at one another and McCoy knew it was the familiar debate of who was right in the situation. The sort of debate only close friends could have. That special communication these two had. He could tell that they had accepted that, in time and with help, Carl Henley would recover. He knew that they would want to be, had to be, involved in helping him in his recovery. As he watched his two friends he knew they were coming to terms with what they had seen and done, that they were seeing absolution and acceptance in one another.

It was a slight nod but both McCoy and Spock saw it before Kirk walked over and briefly placed a hand on the side of Hanley's face, "Rest easy, Carl. You are safe now. We are all here. I will be back later. You just rest now."

Once Kirk had left McCoy looked at Spock. Looked at him as the Vulcan sat beside the bed just looking at Hanley. For just a moment he saw clearly the human side the Vulcan kept so hidden. It was in how he looked at Hanley, the compassion, the concern, so plain on his face. And the guilt and self-blame. The blame the Vulcan part of him seemed unable to control or hide or whatever it was Vulcans did with their feelings.

"Spock?"

"How could I have done all that I did, Doctor? It goes against everything I believe, everything that is Vulcan in me, everything,"

McCoy placed a hand lightly on his Vulcan friend's shoulder and saw the torment in the eyes, "You just explained it, Spock. It may be against the Vulcan part of you but there was something, is something, in your Human side that overpowered all of that Vulcan conditioning or training."

An eyebrow raised slightly, "Doctor, **there is nothing**."

Jerking a thumb towards the door Kirk had left through McCoy looked steadily at Spock, at the tortured face of his friend, "There may not be a **thing**, Spock but that man who just left and what he means to you that is more powerful than all of Vulcan. You said it yourself; you said you would have done it to save Jim."

"I would have but I hesitated. I,"

"**Damn it, Spock**! Carl Hanley knew you were conflicted. I think of all the four hundred and thirty crew personnel I have to care for on this ship he is possibly the only one who really studies and knows how others will react. You said they would have seen hesitation as a weakness and he knew it as well so he made them think that both of you had domination over him. He did it, Spock. **Just know and accept that he did this, Spock.** You did not do anything to him he did not let you, did not allow you to do. Neither you nor Jim was in control, something else you admitted. It was what he let you two do to him so there is no way to blame yourselves for it." Briefly he squeezed the shoulder under his hand, "Believe me when I say that Carl Hanley could give **both of yo**u lessons on being **stubborn**. He knew what had to be done and nothing, short of his own death, was going to stop it being done. He was in control of both of you and the situation. Accept that fact, Spock."

The eyebrow rose slightly higher and McCoy saw the tension and self-loathing ease, "Why, Doctor McCoy, you can be quite logical in some of your thinking. You also have a good memory for statement of fact. How you use them to point out the errors in another's line of thinking is a talent and I thank you for displaying that talent."

"Think I caught it from a friend.."

As McCoy watched Spock gave him a slight nod as the Vulcan façade closed away that glimpse of his Human side. "It is most reassuring, Doctor, to know you associate with those who employ logic. There **IS** hope for you yet."

* * *

A/N Great - get this done, think of some sleep and the medical folk have the new gizmo for me to "test drive" for them - oh joy. . . . . Till later - enjoy life and living instead of just existing. Comments/reviews welcomed. Thanks for your time.


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